As hard as it was to accept, I figured out it was a good thing. If it had truly been the act of violence, the abuse or rape, there wasn’t anything I could do to change that. It happened, and nothing would ever alter that fact. But the story I made up in my mind and the resulting behaviors I displayed, those I did have control of and could change. Would it be hard? Yes, very. But having the control and the power to make those changes, that felt good. It felt like healing and hope for the future. 

 

What was done to me at those times felt like endless torture, agony, humiliation…but in reality, the actual length of time was quite brief. The actual amount of time others had control of my body was minimal, but the impact I allowed it to have over my mind and my behavior lasted for decades. But now that I had figured that out, I had had enough, and I was ready to take charge of me. It wouldn’t be easy, but nothing was going to stop me. 

 

If you've been hurt by sexual abuse or assault...

I believe you. 

I’m glad you're considering sharing your experience and healing. 

It was not your fault.

There are people and resources that can help you, and I am one. 

 

After a conversation with a friend about childhood sexual abuse and sexual assault, and the myriad feelings that go along with the healing process, I became aware that most everyone affected blames someone or something, but it's generally not the perpetrator. We blame ourselves, each other, or God. We desperately search for a reason, some purpose, something to give us a sense of control that the unthinkable, the unbearable won’t happen to us or someone we love ever, or again.

 

Instead of assigning blame and fully feeling it and believing where that blame belongs, we want to think if I would have screamed louder or fought back harder or said something sooner or dressed differently or not made eye contact or not gone out at all…then it wouldn’t have happened. We would rather think it was our fault or our parents’ fault or our friend’s fault or the lack of preparation or the lack of protection than accept the fact that we can never positively know if it will ever happen to us or someone we love in the future. We convince ourselves as parents that we will do better, we will prepare them better, we would never let that happen to our child…until it does.

 

And it’s unbearable, unthinkable, and simply must be our fault because then we know the future will be ok. We will live a tortured life feeling responsible for something we did not do rather than blame the actual perpetrator because if we blame only the perpetrator then we will have to live in fear knowing we cannot control if it will ever happen again because no one actually knows for sure who the next perpetrators will be. They could be any race, any religion, any size, any gender, any career…ANY BODY…we do not know, we do not have control. It is life and it is hard and sometimes it is unfathomably painful and awful. 

 

But what we do have control over is learning to love ourselves and each other through the unfathomably painful and awful to gain a sense of control that no matter what happens that is out of our control, we can have again, or we can find for the first-time love, support, safety, and fulfillment. The key though is to understand it is the one or two or however many people who physically violated you or your loved one, those are the responsible people and that is where ALL the blame belongs.