Ginger Bliss

I struggled with self-hatred for more than 50 years feeling there was something inherently wrong with me as a human being. I believed wholeheartedly, I was unlovable.

 

I lived my life pretending to be someone who was perfect thinking it was the only chance I had to possibly be loved. In my career, I could be this person on the outside who was respectable, intelligent, valued…the opposite of who I felt I was on the inside. Others saw someone who looked put together with a smile on her face, but on the inside, I wasn’t smiling, I didn’t feel put together. It was all fake. I couldn’t let anyone get to know me because the inside wasn’t anything like the outside. It was all messy and ugly in there. No one would want to know that. No one could possibly like, not to mention love, the real me and it was a full-time job keeping everyone from finding out who I was on the inside. The outside was bad enough for people to see, but the inside was even worse. I didn’t want to see it and did everything I could never to look. Instead, I put all my energy into appearing as perfect as I could so maybe no one would find out about the real me. 

 

Trying to find some meaning in life instead of dying by suicide, I questioned how a creator of this world could allow all of the awful, painful things to happen. I didn’t understand how anyone could attribute good things to this entity without also attributing the bad. Anything else seemed illogical to me. I desperately wanted someone, anyone, something, anything to be in control of this world and the people in it. I didn't want to accept that pain is simply a part of living on this earth with all of its imperfect humans. If I accepted that, I would have to face my own pain and I'd been running from it for decades. 

 

But at 50 the fear of change became less daunting than the fear of losing my daughter to suicide, so not wanting to be a hypocrite telling her she needed to face her pain, I began a healing and spiritual journey that will continue throughout my lifetime. There is no end to becoming the very healthiest version of myself.

 

For me, learning self-compassion was the first step and with every subsequent step along the way, life has gotten better and better. It wasn't easy, and at times, it felt even harder than living in denial. But I quickly learned that the ease of running away from short-term pain had led to a long-term painful life that felt very, very empty. With self-compassion, self-awareness, self-reflection, learning how my brain worked and why, taking responsibility for my behavior, retraining my brain, facing fears, developing healthy behaviors, and offering some apologies, I was able to drastically improve every relationship in my life, find rewarding work that aligned with my values, and bring so much more joy into living.

 

Facing the short-term pain is what was necessary for me to be able to experience joy that I never dreamed was possible for someone like me.